Santa: The Demon Jew of Jingletown.

Christmas.The world alone strikes a chord in each child's heart. (except for my old english teacher's kids. She raised her kids so that they never believed in santa. From day one she told them he wasn't real. Heartless Bitch.)

BUT, for all normally raised children: Santa is a wonderful little dream. A man whose every wish is to fulfill EVERY wish. We grow up thinking him to be the man that can make everything better. A man who can perform miracles (sound of music, glee) or a man who can (with a help from his friends) create any toy we want.

We notice that santa and our parents have the same wrapping paper? That doesn't matter. We (at such an early most impressionable age) suspend our disbelief.

For some (like me) we still get giddy when we see him on tv or in the mall.

Me and my friend Megan Holt went to the mall this week to witness such an event. Santa had gone to feed his reindeer and was to be back promptly at 2:00. Wasting a few moments of life to pick up some wonderful books i read: All my Friends are Dead, Calvin and Hobbes and Best 500 gay movies of our time. (I know what your thinking: We have that many gay movies? Yea we do. Suck it up buttercup. educate yourself)

It was 1:45 and we decided to get in line early. While walking up to the line we were trying to figure out who got to see Santa first. I modestly said she could go but her being the smart woman she was didn't give in to cultural beliefs and said I could go first. (That's damn right. If she got to see Santa first, I would of busted a cap)We were behind what seemed to be a lovely Samoan family. The time moved quickly and it proceed to be 2:00

......

then 2:01

..........

then 2:02

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then 2:03
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Then at about 2:04 fat ass rolls around with a few coloring books and a box o candy canes.

This is actually my dream santa. When i was little santa always gave me a coloring book and a candy cane. AND he was always a fat ass. Thats not rude thats just how it was.

Well the "Santa" comin at me at about 200 km a second was a short scrawny guy with a c grade coloring book and no candy cane in site. You know what? I can break tradition and go without the candy cane. I can't go without that sweet lucious fat santa ass.

I mean the man looked like the smallest of six year olds would crush him. So you can imagine what sleeping beauty's face looked like when he saw me a-comin.

Well I decided it would be best to just let the man know what I wanted but apparently he was less interested in letting me divulge my secret christmas wishes to him and more interested in revealing his secret past life. As soon as I told him I was into theater the flood gates were opened and secret santa's past was comin at me like a ton of bricks aimed at a 2 year old baby with chromes disease.

"I was in 7 musicals in 19 months you know."

"I was in fiddler on the roof you know."

(at this point i shit you not I was serenaded to a wonderful serving of santa's rendition of "If I were a rich man.")

He then explained how he was also in sweeney todd. and before I got an earful of pretty woman I was saved by an angelic woman named Megan Holt. She asked for a few pictures and after she snapped one or two we were on our way.

This is why older people stop believing. It's not because they grow out of it. It's because the damn guy being employed by the mall doesn't even know how to keep the magic.

Merry Christmas everyone.

except you skinny santa, except you.